Coming Full Circle

Saturday, January 7th, 2017. 11:00pm.

That's the day and time that I arrived in Lancaster, PA, bursting with anticipation for the new adventure at Sight & Sound. It took a while to become familiar with the surrounding roads and sloping fields (then covered in snow). As I acquainted myself with my new home, I gazed at the bare trees and wondered how they might look enveloped in spring blossoms, overloaded with summer leaves, or exploding in autumn colors. Throughout my year, I saw all of these in their season. But now, late in December, the landscape looked exactly the same as it did when I first arrived that January evening. I've come full circle.

Saturday, December 30th. 2:59pm. 

I hurried from the florescent lights of the actor’s lobby into the cool chill and dim blue lighting of backstage. This is the last time I’ll ever do that. As I walked to my spot behind the scrim, I purposefully focused on taking in the moment. It felt like a shot from a movie. As I passed by, cast members in their various costumes were smiling, giving quick hugs, and whispering with excitement and sincerity, “Good show! Good show!”

I smiled. What a place to be. I also giggled at myself for how close I was cutting it to get in place. I remembered back to opening night of Jonah when I was ready to go a good ten minutes before the places call. This time I hadn’t even arrived in my dressing room until 5 minutes before the show began. But I had no trouble putting on my mic and costume and wig, retrieving my prop and moving to my opening blocking place on the massive, 100-foot stage. A lot has changed, I thought amusedly. As the scrim rose and the music played the opening of my final show, I took a deep breath and cherished the moment. 

I lived an entire year at Sight & Sound. The hallways and rooms were ones I had frequented hundreds of times. Those walls, that felt so familiar (and even confining at times), were ones I would never enter again as an employee of the stunning theatre. During a year that sometimes felt would never end, it was strange to think that I had arrived at my last day. But I was all smiles and laughter. I felt full to bursting with thankfulness that I had been allowed to go on this journey. I sang my little heart out during that final performance and cherished every second. 

Rewind a couple more weeks. This holiday season passed like a blur for me. It's always a busy time, but this year the hustle and bustle were different from any I’ve experienced before. They went so fast! Showcase, then the end of classes, then suddenly it was time to start sorting details to move out and close down my time at the place that had begun to feel like a second home. But despite it's lightning-fast approach, Christmas day was absolutely wonderful.

I wasn’t able to be home this year, and I was worried that it would be difficult. But those of us who couldn’t get home decided to make the most of it. Abby, Ellie, Emma and I went over to the guys' house on Christmas Eve to celebrate. We played games, ate dinner together, watched Christmas movies, stuffed stockings, and had a small Christmas Eve candlelight service. The girls slept downstairs in the basement and the guys were upstairs. On Christmas morning we awoke to stuffed stockings and a present from our Secret Santa drawing that we had organized a few weeks before. 

It was such a special day. But amidst all the holiday cheer, we all knew that our Conservatory Christmas was one of the last times we had to be together outside of the theatre. 

As Christmas Day came to a close, we still had four days left of Sight & Sound performances. Plus our apartment lease ending on the 31st. There was a lot to do in a short amount of time, but somehow we managed it. In the midst of the thousand-and-one details we were juggling, I found a few moments to remember back to this time last year, when I was just itching to get on the road toward the new adventure. I thought of the next Conservatory class and smiled, knowing exactly how they were feeling. My anticipation and excitement for then began to grow. Ellie had a wonderful idea to leave letters from us to the 2018 class, to offer advice and encouragement as they begin. Here’s a snippet from mine:

“This year will change you. Yes, you’ll leave here a stronger performer and with a lot of useful “tools in your toolbox.” You’ll learn how to take care of your voice, how to connect to a scene, and you’ll gain grace of movement and flexibility from your dance classes. But I think I’m leaving here having learned more about myself as a person, and as a child of God, than I did about performing. That’s the nature of this program, and that’s what makes it so wonderful.

I think that sums up how I feel about this year. Yes, I’m a better performer. I understand SO MUCH more than I did when I came (as my first audition video bears embarrassing witness!) But more than that, I’ve learned about who God has made me to be. I've learned to trust Him in new ways and to appreciate how differently He has made all of us. 

And the best part of all is, hands-down, the people. I know I've made lifelong friends. Saying goodbye was not fun. During the entire last show, many hugs and well wishes were exchanged backstage. I had no idea when I was going to see many of these wonderful friends again. When the curtain fell and the check-out process began, my heart grew heavier. I hated saying goodbye to the ladies in my dressing room, who have been there for so many sweet memories. But somehow I was able to hold back tears all day. I handed in my parking permit and employee ID. Then I hugged just about everyone I saw, wrapped my scarf around my neck, and walked one last time through those front lobby doors and outside that gorgeous building. One last time. 

After our final show on December 31st, the entire Conservatory class went to Golden Corral for a celebration dinner. It was our final hurrah. We laughed, reminisced, and shared our future plans. Some are staying in the area, others are headed to Branson, or New York, or back home for a bit. That evening was special. We all enjoyed being together as a group one final time. And we put off the inevitable as long as we could.

But eventually it was time to leave. And that's when I cried. It’s not that I’m afraid I won’t see these friends again. I know I will, some very soon! But the thought that we were leaving the context in which we’ve always known each other…that’s what we were mourning and grieving over. Amidst tears and well wishes, we said our goodbyes and went our own separate ways into the snowy evening. Despite the heartache of parting, the thankfulness that I had felt all day continued. I was just so grateful to have been apart of such a talented group, and allowed to participate in such an incredible program.  

For my roommates and I, the next day was a doozy. We had to be packed up and moved out by midnight. My Dad flew in that evening to begin the drive home with me. I had already packed up most of my room, but there was still a lot to do to get our apartment cleaned. I woke up at 8:30am to began working and didn’t stop until we left that night at 7:30.

Then it was time say farewell to my dear Ellie and Emma. That was hardest. I love those girls so much. It’s hard to imagine not being roommates. More hugs. More tears. Ugh! It's the worst! But I had to walk down the steps and out the door of the apartment. Before I stepped over the threshold,  I looked back at them. I wiped my eyes and smiled. "I'm going to go shopping for your bridesmaid dresses next week!" We all laughed. I can't wait to be together again at my wedding this spring.

During our moveout week we took one last picture in our apartment. Ellie compared it to the first picture we took as roommates back in January. I think it says it all.

I followed Dad outside, handed him the keys, and took my seat in the front of my very full car. He asked if I was alright. I could honestly say that I was. Sad of course, but so full of expectation and excitement for what was coming next. Last year was an adventure. Another was ahead of me.

Off we went, backtracking the same highways and turnpikes we trekked 51 weeks ago. Through Pennsylvania, then Ohio (stopped for the night), then on to Indiana, Missouri, and finally into my home state. The trip was long (like, 20 hours long) but good. We talked about all sorts of things, and Dad made me laugh when he said, “Put on that Hamilton show again.” I was only too happy to comply.

So now? I’m home. And so happy to be here. It's amazing the security and belonging you feel in the place where you grew up. I've been all smiles as I've driven down the familiar roads, met with friends, and spent time with my sweet siblings. A busy few months lie ahead of me as I’ll direct two shows, plan a wedding, then move on to my new life in Colorado later this year!

But first? Rest. I’m exhausted. I’m looking forward to being snuggled up with a book and not having a "places" call come over the intercom system. And more than that (more than anything, actually) I'm so glad that long distance is almost over. Mitch is coming to visit tomorrow morning!

Will I miss it? Yes, sometimes I think I will. But most of all, I’ll miss the people. Sight & Sound isn’t a perfect community. In this life, there's nowhere that is. But I think it’s incredible how God can bring together people of all different backgrounds, personalities, and denominations and unite them under one cause: to make His name known through the performing arts. That thought is what filled my heart near to bursting those last few days at the theatre. I really was overflowing with gratefulness, wonder, and honor that for this season I was allowed to be apart of it. May that sense of thankfulness continue into whatever comes next. 

So let's get this show on the road!